


I Hate Myself For Loving You

by HeckinaHandbasket



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Anal Sex, Evil Robots Are Bad At Feelings, Evil Robots in Love, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Hop In This Handbasket We’re Going To Heck, Idiots in Love, In My Defense I Love Them, Listen Okay I Had To Write This, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Beta We Die Like Bill and Ted Endlessly Falling Into The Pit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:56:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28576371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeckinaHandbasket/pseuds/HeckinaHandbasket
Summary: Fucking was what they did best.Now that they had been reprogrammed and didn’t have to kill their totally gross good selves, they had to find something else to occupy their time.They had discovered fucking and never looked back.It felt like something they were made to do. Pulling hair and scratching skin and choking each other out satisfied that deep, inner need for evil.Evil Ted never felt more satisfied than when Evil Bill was inside him.But there was something building.Something terrible and frightening, something that made him flinch when he tried to examine it too closely.Something that compelled him to do stupid things.Things like, staring at the smooth line of Evil Bill’s throat while he worked above him, grunting and flushed.It looked—
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	I Hate Myself For Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So.  
> If you’re waiting on an update from me, I am deeply sorry that this is what cropped up in your notifications. I promise that I will update all of my WIPs as soon as possible. My deadline is up in a week and a half and then I can focus on fics.
> 
> If you’re here for my Bill and Ted nonsense, hi! Let’s be friends! I have shipped them since I was like nine, but only just now dipped into the fandom. I have a lot of feelings about these idiots and their evil robot counterparts.  
> I woke up with this fic in my head and had to get it out so I could work on my book, so, here. Have some Evil Robot Feelings Porn.
> 
> Content Warning- brief mention of previous torture/evil maintenance performed on the evil robots.
> 
> My Bill and Ted fic debut (air guitar):

Fucking was what they did best.

Now that they had been reprogrammed and didn’t have to kill their totally gross good selves, they had to find something else to occupy their time.

They had discovered fucking and never looked back.

It felt like something they were made to do. Pulling hair and scratching skin and choking each other out satisfied that deep, inner need for evil.

Evil Ted never felt more satisfied than when Evil Bill was inside him.

But there was something building.

Something terrible and frightening, something that made him flinch when he tried to examine it too closely.

Something that compelled him to do stupid things.

Things like, staring at the smooth line of Evil Bill’s throat while he worked above him, grunting and flushed.

It looked—

He stretched up to press his teeth just there, relishing EB’s harsh groan as his hips picked up speed. And then, mechanical heart pounding in his chest, ET brushed a soft, gentle kiss over the mark and—

EB stopped.

He pushed in to the hilt and shoved up on his arms, face twisted in almost comical disbelief. ET’s mouth tasted like regret.

“What the fuck are you doing, dipshit?”

ET’s eyes were malfunctioning, burning and wet. Heart malfunctioning as well, squeezing painfully and pounding like a motherfucker. He was such a piece of junk, scrap metal waiting to be trashed. What had he ever thought—?

He twisted EB’s nipples cruelly in his fingers with a sneer, letting his hair fall in front of his eyes before EB could see his malfunction.

“Trying to get fucked, asshole! But you’re such a pussweed you can’t even manage that!”

“Oh, yeah?”

EB pulled out just to flip ET over, laughing as he flailed and pinning his wrists to the bed while he slid back inside. He started to slam so hard inside him that some of their bolts rattled and clanked. “How’s that, numbnuts? Feel like you’re getting fucked, now?”

ET snarled and snapped at the fingers wrapped around his wrist and EB released him to cup his jaw and turn his head. He leaned in close, bending ET backwards until their faces were even with each other. “You kissed me, dude.”

His heart malfunction must be critical. It read too strongly on his receptors to be anything less. He tried to shake his head but EB held him in place, eyes burning as he slammed him through the mattress. “Nuh—uh, stupid! Why would I kiss someone as ugly as you?”

Something in EB’s familiar smirk slid a little sideways, lashes fluttering like he had a malfunction of his own. His voice modules went quiet and hushed the way he almost never did. “I dunno. But, you did. It was—,” his voice hitched as he focused on ET’s wet, open mouth, “it was totally heinous.”

Oh.

All of EB’s favorite things were totally heinous.

ET’s malfunction spread to his own voice modules as he let out a thin, sweet whine and EB’s eyes widened, grip loosening on his jaw enough to smooth his thumb over his skin. It didn’t hurt the way EB’s touches usually did. It hurt in an entirely new way.

It was the worst.

All of ET’s favorite things were the worst.

EB’s hips had slowed, stroking long and slow inside of him while he bent forward and turned ET’s face into his neck. His artificial pulse beat fast against ET’s lips. “Do it again, bitch.”

Lips trembling, ET pressed them to EB’s skin, warmth spreading across his cheeks, seeping into his chest to ease the pain of his malfunctioning heart.

EB made a terrible little noise, almost a gasp. It made him sound weak, and soft, and everything ET hated. ET hated EB more than anything else in the universe. He was just the worst.

He was his favorite worst thing.

ET dotted EB’s neck with kisses until he pulled out and flipped him over again, staring down at ET while he let his shaking, malfunctioning hands rub slowly up his ribs to cup around his throat.

ET tensed, expecting to be choked, but—

Evil Bill didn’t do that, this time.

This time, EB hovered low on his knees above ET, not even fucking him anymore, just, looking at him. Visual receptors taking in data at lightning speed. Stripping ET down to his bare circuits, down to where EB’s code was written across his motherboard. EB’s voice was still hushed and secret, rasping just between them in their messy bed. “You like that.”

ET couldn’t shake his hair into his face like this, pinned down by EB’s hands, by his gaze.

He was going to see his malfunction, he was going to KNOW, and ET couldn’t stand it. He shut his eyes, screwing up his face against the moisture that escaped from the corners, punching at EB’s arm. He didn’t budge.

“Whatever, dweeb. Are we gonna fuck or, what?”

ET’s malfunction was even apparent in his voice modules, trembling and faint. He turned his head to the side, moisture trailing down the bridge of his nose until EB swiped it away with his thumb.

ET cracked his eyes open to peek up at him, finding him examining his thumb with a stupid, sappy expression on his face.

It made his chest malfunction intensify, so ET reached down and grabbed EB’s dick, tugging too tightly as he lifted his hips. “Put it back in or bend over and let me take charge, you fucking wimp.”

EB didn’t rise to the bait. He just shook his head and let ET fit the head of his dick against his hole, pushing in slow while he watched ET closely.

His hand slipped from around ET’s throat to cup around the back of his head, lifting him slightly from the pillow. “Evil Ted, dude, I—I didn’t know—”

DeNomolos used to test their pain receptors by holding a soldering iron against their nerve endings and this hurt more than that. It hurt almost as much as it had to hear EB scream when it was his turn for testing.

ET swallowed hard against those memories that were the hardest to erase. He clawed at EB’s shoulders, bucking his hips insistently. “Shut up. Just, forget it. Shut up and fuck me, idiot!”

EB firmed his jaw in that way that made his stupid, beautiful face look like some gnarly old sculpture and ET wanted to kiss him again and he hated himself for it, and—

“No, you shut up, Evil Ted.”

And he—

He kissed him.

Full on, mouth to mouth contact. Not even biting, just, kissing.

It was the absolute worst.

He pulled back just a little, half-lidded eyes dreamy on ET’s face as pink stole across his cheeks. “Heinous.”

Another kiss, and then another, and then they were sucking face like a couple of dillweeds, clutching at each other, more focused on the kissing than the fucking, which was—

Awful.

Perfect.

Slow and sweet and building a fire inside of ET that licked flames all the way out through his tongue, tracing over EB’s lips and burning away his soft sounds.

EB kept saying his name like an idiot, over and over and over again. “Evil Ted, dude. You’re just, you’re so—dude. Fuck. You feel most-most-heinous.”

It was going to his head, all those evil things EB said, like champagne bubbles in his circuitry. It felt—

Felt—

Fucking. Good.

Which he shouldn’t even like, but. He did. He really, really did. He glared up at EB, digging his nails in hard. “Don’t stop, Evil Bill. I’ll fucking kill you if you stop.”

EB groaned into his mouth at that, pumping in harder and faster while he worked one hand between them to jerk ET’s dick in time with his thrusts. He usually didn’t give ET that kind of attention in bed, usually left him to take care of himself and it felt—more, this way.

Overwhelming.

He was making noises, sharp, tight whines and whimpers into EB’s mouth. Evil Bill caught the swell of his lower lip between his teeth, pulling instead of biting down and ET was coming, just like that.

Shooting between them and spilling over EB’s fingers.

EB grunted as Evil Ted clamped down on his dick, panting into his open mouth as he gave a handful of thrusts before he tensed and pulsed hot and wet inside of him.

ET rubbed his palms over the bunched muscles of his back, relishing in the sweat-slick slide of his skin as EB collapsed on top of him, his slighter weight pressing him into the mattress.

His heart malfunction appeared to be chronic, still thumping and squeezing when EB whispered his name against the hollow of his throat.

He tried to cough some of the harshness back into his voice, pinching at EB’s ribs. “Yeah, limpdick?”

EB’s not-quite-limp dick slid out of him with a satisfyingly evil sound as he rolled over onto his back with a sated moan, licking his lips as he scanned ET’s face. “Turn over on your side, bitch.”

ET complied with a grumble, but only because that meant that EB would be left lying in the wet spot. “What, you’re not done? Robot dick can’t get enough of this tight hole?”

He tensed as, rather than shoving his fingers inside him, EB curled up against his back, face tucked in between his shoulder blades. “You know I can’t get enough, blockhead. That’s your fault for being such a little fuckhole.”

Something squirmed in ET’s belly at his warm tone, something that echoed in the thump of his critically malfunctioning heart. It leaked out in a soft sound from deep in his throat.

EB rubbed his face against his back and his arm came up around him in short, stilted movements, wrapping around his waist and holding him tight.

They lay like that in silence until ET finally relaxed back against Evil Bill, waiting for the pinch or slap that was sure to follow his display of weakness.

It wasn’t a pinch. Or a slap.

It was a—like a—What was the word? Something bogus.

Caress.

It was a caress, soft and sweet across ET’s belly and it couldn’t have been worse.

“Evil duder, I—you have to know, I—”

Evil Bill sounded like he was choking on something. Some critical malfunction blocking his vocal modules.

ET covered the hand on his belly with his own, lacing their fingers together in a totally evil display of dominance. “I know, shit-for-brains. You don’t have to say—”

“I hate you.”

It was chaos, all of his circuits lit up at once, the pressure in his chest releasing with a wave of sickly-sweet joy. He squeezed Evil Bill’s hand tighter, shifting his long legs to tangle with EB’s hairy little ones. EB’s breath shuddered against his back as Evil Ted lifted their joined hands to his lips to press a kiss to his sticky knuckles. “I know, dude. I totally hate you too.”

EB sighed and cuddled in close and it was just—

The worst.

**Author's Note:**

> And they lived evilly ever after! 
> 
> I have a feeling I’m going to write a lot more of these idiots. Oh no.
> 
> Follow me here:
> 
> https://twitter.com/HeckinaH
> 
> http://heck-in-a-handbasket.tumblr.com/
> 
> https://instagram.com/heck_in_a_handbasket
> 
> For more writing, fan art, and regrettable insight into my horrible goblin mind.


End file.
